“Thank You, Mind”: Helping Kids Let Go of Sticky Thoughts
- Michael R Kiel
- Apr 26
- 6 min read
Updated: May 12
Unlocking the Power of Defusion: Helping Kids with Sticky Thoughts
Introduction to Sticky Thoughts
Have you ever had a thought that just won’t leave your mind? It's like a song stuck in your head. Children experience similar feelings, but instead of a catchy tune, they may have worries, fears, or self-doubt that loop endlessly. These sticky thoughts can hinder their focus, enjoyment, and self-confidence. Over time, these thoughts can shape a child’s emotions, behaviors, and perspective on life.
As a psychotherapist, I've witnessed the profound impact these thoughts can have on a child's emotional and social development. This is one reason I am passionate about helping children acquire the skills needed to step back from their thoughts instead of remaining trapped in them.
Understanding Sticky Thoughts & Defusion
Sticky thoughts are like gum on a shoe; they cling and resurface repeatedly. They can disturb kids during their favorite activities or even prevent them from sleeping. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we utilize defusion to help children step away from their thoughts rather than feeling trapped by them.
Consider a common sticky thought:
"This is too hard! I can't do it!"
When a child feels overwhelmed by this idea, our instinct may be to reassure them with, "Yes, you can!" or "Just try harder!" However, when a thought feels sticky, logic alone often fails to lessen its influence. Instead, we can approach the situation with gentle validation and defusion.
Step 1: Validate the Experience
Before jumping to solutions, it's crucial to meet the child where they are. A simple acknowledgment can make a world of difference:
"It does seem hard right now! I notice you’re tense and frowning. Your body is signaling that this feels tough."
This validation helps children feel understood rather than dismissed, which reduces their resistance to discussing their feelings.
Step 2: Model Defusion with ‘Thank You, Mind’
After they feel heard, we can share a simple defusion strategy. I might say:
"Oh, my mind does this too! When things feel hard, it tells me I can't do it. But we can talk to our minds, saying, ‘Thank you, mind! This feels hard!’"
I say this first, modeling a playful, non-judgmental tone.
Step 3: Encourage the Child to Join In
Next, I invite the child to participate:
"Let's try it together! Ready? ‘Thank you, mind! This is hard, and I appreciate the reminder!’"
Even if they don’t fully believe it yet, vocalizing it creates a tiny bit of space between the thought and their emotional response.
That space gives us the opportunity to problem-solve or take a break. Instead of allowing the thought to control them, children start to observe it rather than being overwhelmed by it.
What Defusion Isn’t: Clearing Up Misconceptions
When kids struggle with sticky thoughts, it can be tempting for adults to suggest, “Just don’t think about it!” or “Stay positive!” However, if you’ve ever tried not thinking about something—like trying not to picture a pink elephant—you understand how impossible that can be.
Defusion isn’t about getting rid of thoughts or forcing kids to substitute them with positive ones. Instead, it’s about helping them see thoughts for what they are—mere words or mental chatter, not absolute truths they must obey.
For example, a child might exclaim, "I'm terrible at this!" A common response from well-meaning adults may be:
"No, you’re not! You’re great at this!"
While positive, this response inadvertently argues with the thought, often deepening the child's belief that they are indeed awful at it:
"No, I’m really bad at it!"
Instead, defusion helps reduce the power of the thought. We guide kids to step back and notice it, so they can say,
"Oh, there’s that thought again. Thanks, mind! I see you."
With practice, they may even extend this further:
"I see you, thought. You often show up when I mess up. But I don’t have to listen to you right now—I’m going to keep trying."
This small shift—noticing the thought instead of being controlled by it—is vital for helping kids break free from the cycle of sticky thoughts.
The Importance of Defusion: The Science Behind Sticky Thoughts
Why do children (and adults) focus on negative thoughts more than positive ones? It’s not just a habit; it's how our brains are conditioned.
Our minds exhibit a negativity bias, which means they tend to cling to negative or distressing thoughts more than those that are happy or neutral. This was advantageous for our ancestors—detecting danger was a matter of survival—but in today’s context, it can amplify small worries into enormous concerns.
For kids, this translates to thoughts like "I’m going to fail this test" or "Nobody likes me" feeling overwhelmingly true, even without any real evidence to support them.
Supporting Research:
Negativity Bias: Research shows that infants and children demonstrate a pronounced negativity bias in social-emotional development, impacting their responses and memories linked to negative events. Not all emotions are created equal: The negativity bias in social-emotional development
Defusion Benefits: Studies on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in children and adolescents have shown improvements in emotional regulation, reduced rumination, and increased psychological flexibility—helping kids respond more effectively to their thoughts. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Youth: A Systematic Review
How to Practice Defusion: Actionable Tips for Parents & Kids
Helping children release sticky thoughts is a process that requires time and patience. With playful, simple techniques, children can learn to recognize their thoughts without becoming entangled in them.
When introducing defusion to young clients, I often start with lighthearted mirroring. If a child is upset, I might exaggerate their expression—clenching my fists, stomping my foot, and stating, “Whoa! I see you’re really frustrated!” This usually surprises them, breaking the tension. Some kids laugh; some pause to reflect; some even soften their frustration.
If mirroring escalates their emotions, I quickly shift to validation. I might say, “Okay, I get it. This is a big feeling. I’ll wait.” Then, I silently remain patient. Often, the children will fill the silence, offering us a chance to pivot toward problem-solving.
Once we establish that space, we can introduce simple defusion techniques to help children relate to their thoughts differently. Here are three of my favorites:
1️⃣ Using a Silly Voice
Thoughts can often sound serious; this weight gives them power. However, if a child expresses their thought in a robot voice, opera voice, or cartoon squeak, it loses its grip. Encouraging humor helps kids step back and recognize their thoughts as mere words.
📌 Try it: Next time your child says, “I’ll never get this right!” encourage them to repeat it in the silliest voice they can. Observe how this alters the way they feel about the thought!
2️⃣ Name the Thought
Assigning a name to thoughts helps differentiate them from reality. A child might say, “Oh, that’s just my ‘I can’t do this’ thought again.” Instead of merging with it, they observe it from a distance.
📌 Try it: When your child exclaims, “I’m the worst at this!” respond with, “That sounds like your ‘I’m no good at this’ thought. It likes to show up often!” This subtle shift assists kids in recognizing patterns instead of automatically believing in their thoughts.
3️⃣ Writing It Out
Writing or drawing a sticky thought slows it down, making it easier to process. Kids can write down what happened, how they felt, and what they were thinking, followed by drawing an alternate way they’d like to handle a similar situation next time.
📌 Try it: If a child is dwelling on a mistake, have them draw a “thought bubble” representing that worry—then pop the bubble or throw it away! This visual technique reinforces that thoughts don’t have to linger forever.
Final Thoughts
Not every child will resonate with the same technique. The essential aspect is to provide playful, low-pressure ways to engage with their thoughts without getting ensnared in them.
Creating even a tiny bit of space between a thought and a reaction is immensely powerful. In that space, kids can pause, breathe, and choose their response—whether that’s a silly voice, a hug, redirection, or simply saying, “Thank you, mind.” Over time, these small moments foster confidence, emotional flexibility, and resilience.
Try Defusion With Kids: “Thank You, Mind” Activity
For a fun, hands-on way to promote defusion, consider the “Thank You, Mind” activity—inspired by Finn’s sticky gum adventure!
Utilizing a bubble gum metaphor, this worksheet aids children in:
✔ Spotting a sticky thought that loops in their mind
✔ Thanking their mind for its efforts, regardless of the thought’s usefulness
✔ Imagining letting it go creatively—like blowing it into a giant bubble and watching it float away!
This enjoyable exercise makes mindfulness and emotional flexibility more approachable for kids, reinforcing the defusion techniques discussed here.
🔹 Download the free worksheet here! [Link]
Conclusion: Moving Beyond Sticky Thoughts
Helping children navigate sticky thoughts isn’t about eliminating worries or difficult emotions—it’s about empowering them to understand that they do not have to be governed by these thoughts. Through practicing defusion, kids can acknowledge their thoughts, create space between thought and reaction, and decide how to respond.
The more we model and practice with them, the easier it becomes for children to say, “Thanks, mind! I see you.”—and continue progressing in life.
“You can learn to step back and watch your thinking, rather than getting tangled up in it.” — Steven C. Hayes
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to replace professional therapy, counseling, or medical advice. Always consult a qualified professional for personalized guidance regarding your or your child’s needs.
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