🧠 What Does Self-Regulation Really Look Like for Kids?
- Michael R Kiel
- Aug 10
- 4 min read
And how can we model it without being perfect?
You're walking out the door, and your child suddenly screams...again...
"The socks don't feel right!"
You're nervous system spikes, and for a moment, you freeze.
This is the moment where self-regulation (ideally) begins.
So What Is Self-Regulation, Really?
Self-regulation is the ability to notice big feelings AND take steps to steady ourselves.
It's not about always staying calm.
It's not about never melting down.
It's not about instantly calming down.
It's about how we wobble - and how we find our footing again.
And here's a key part to keep in mind:
Self-regulation is a skill.
That means it can be learned.
And builds best through connection, not correction.
Researchers in child development and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) emphasize that emotional flexibility and attention to inner experiences are key building blocks for resilience and self-regulation for kids - and these grow stronger with modeling, relational safety, and repeated practice (Zelazo & Lyons, 2012; Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 2012).
What It Looks Like in Real Life?
For grown-ups, self-regulation might sound like:
🗨️ "Wow, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Let me take a breath."
🗨️ "This is hard - but I can pause before I respond."
🗨️ "Let's try again...together."
For kids, it might sound like:
🗨️ "I need help."
🗨️ "My body is too fast!"
🗨️ Or even silence...followed by tears or hiding.
What matters isn't perfection.
It's noticing the wobble - and choosing what comes next, rather than just impulsively reacting.
Even young children can begin developing neural pathways for regulation when caregivers model noticing, co-regulation, and soothing strategies (Siegel & Bryson, 2018).
How Do We Model Self-Regulation?
We model it.
We practice it.
We name it out loud.
When you say things like:
🗨️ Model: "That was tricky - I'm going to do a steady breath."
🗨️ Practice: "Hey, before we start bedtime, let's practice a pause together."
🗨️ Name: "I'm feeling wobbly too. Do you want to do a "Cocoa Breath" or a "Mindful Listen?"
You're not just managing a moment.
You're helping them build a skill - one that your child will take with them for life.
Children who experience emotion coaching from caregivers - through modeling, shared practice, and naming feelings - develop stronger self-regulation skills and more flexible responses to stress (Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997; Thompson, 2014).
🎲Try This: Steady Step Cards
In years of helping children learn a variety of skills, we've learned that making a new skill playful and approachable increases the willingness to participate and helps the skill translate to a child's life more effectively. Therefore, to help parents teach self-regulation to their own child, we created a free 7-page printable called the Steady Step Cards.
These cards are designed to help kids (and parents!) pause, notice, and take a gentle step toward calm - together.
They're perfect for:
✔️ Transitions (like bedtime or leaving the house)
✔️ Meltdown moments
✔️ Therapy sessions or classroom routines
✔️ Quiet storytime reflections
✔️ Natural, common waits (like for the doctor, dentist, restaurants)
Each card includes:
💬 Gentle phrases to name big feelings
🌬 Simple breathing techniques (like “Cocoa Breaths”)
🐾 Playful movement cues for calming the body
🎨 A reflection page for drawing or discussion
Click here for your free Steady Steps Cards!
Research confirms that using visual and sensory cues - especially those involving breath and gentle movement - can support children's nervous system regulation and promote emotion labeling and behavioral flexibility (Shapiro et al., 2006; Zelazo & Lyons, 2012).
💚 You Don’t Need to Be a Perfect Parent
You need to take one slow, steady step - and let your child see it.
Because that’s what self-regulation really looks like.
When we take time to name feelings, slow our breath, or choose one small next step, we’re engaging in what ACT calls committed action - values-driven behavior in the face of discomfort (Hayes et al., 2012). Over time, these tiny actions shape how we and our children respond to life’s emotional ups and downs.
Whether you’re feeling calm, wobbly, or somewhere in between…
You’re modeling growth.
And that matters more than perfection ever will.
Conclusion: Building Steady, Not Perfect
Self-regulation isn’t about avoiding wobbles or treating them as bad. It’s about knowing how to steady ourselves again when they happen. Every time you pause, breathe, or name your feelings out loud, you’re showing your child that big emotions can be navigated with care.
The free Steady Steps Cards printable is a simple way to start this journey together, turning everyday moments into opportunities for growth and connection. And if your child connects well with this resource, you’ll love what’s coming next — our expanded Steady Steps Self-Regulation Pack with extra cards, drawing pages, and regulation tools will be free next week for all newsletter subscribers.
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📚 References
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/edit/10.4324/9780203763568/meta-emotion-john-mordechai-gottman-lynn-fainsilber-katz-carole-hooven
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-00755-000
Shapiro, S. L., Carlson, L. E., Astin, J. A., & Freedman, B. (2006). Mechanisms of mindfulness. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(3), 373–386. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16385481/
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). The yes brain: How to cultivate courage, curiosity, and resilience in your child. Random House. https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-yes-brain/
Thompson, R. A. (2014). Stress and child development. Future of Children, 24(1), 41–59. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25518702/
Zelazo, P. D., & Lyons, K. E. (2012). The potential benefits of mindfulness training in early childhood: A developmental social cognitive neuroscience perspective. Child Development Perspectives, 6(2), 154–160. https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1750-8606.2012.00241.x
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