Helping Kids Try Again After Hard Moments
- Michael R Kiel
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
Helping our children re-engage after disappointment, mistakes, embarrassment, and difficult emotions.
This article is part of the Steady Steps™ series, a collection of resources exploring how children gradually build emotional skills through everyday experiences.
The Part We Often Miss
When children have a difficult moment, parents naturally focus on what happened.
The meltdown.
The mistake.
The disappointment.
The argument.
The emotional reaction.
These moments certainly deserve our attention.
But many children struggle most with what comes afterward.
Going back.
Back to the activity.
Back to the friendship.
Back to the game.
Back to the conversation.
Back to the challenge.
The difficult moment may be over.
Coming back can still feel hard.
Why Helping Kids Try Again
Can Feel So Difficult
After a difficult experience, many kids don't immediately feel ready to try again.
They may feel embarrassed.
Disappointed.
Ashamed.
Uncertain.
They may worry about making the same mistake again.
They may worry about what other people will think.
Or they may simply want to avoid feeling that way another time.
When difficult emotions show up, it often feels safer to stay away than to come back. In some ways, the activity may no longer be the hardest part.
Returning becomes the hardest part.
Psychological flexibility research suggests that people naturally tend to avoid experiences that feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or emotionally painful (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).
For many children, returning means stepping back toward exactly what feels uncomfortable.
The Steady Steps™ Shift
Many adults understandably focus on finishing.
Getting through it.
Succeeding.
Moving on.
But the Steady Steps™ approach asks a different question:
What is one step toward returning?
Instead of: "Finish the whole activity."
Try: "Can we stand nearby?"
Instead of: "Go apologize."
Try: "Can we walk over together?"
Instead of: "Play the whole game."
Try: "Can we stay for five minutes?"
The goal is not immediate success.
The goal is to help kids try again by moving back toward what matters.
Small Returns Matter
Coming back does not always look dramatic.
Sometimes it looks very small.
Watching from nearby.
Participating briefly.
Trying one small piece.
Rejoining for a few minutes.
Many parents miss these small successful moments of growth because they are looking for full success.
But small returns often become bigger returns.
A child who stands nearby today may participate tomorrow.
A child who rejoins for five minutes may stay longer next time.
A child who tries one small piece may eventually return fully.
Research on growth and learning suggests that confidence tends to develop through repeated experiences of effort and progress rather than waiting until someone feels completely ready (Dweck, 2016).
Returning often works the same way.
What Helps Kids Return
A. Lower the Size of the Return
Big returns can feel overwhelming.
Small returns feel more possible.
Instead of focusing on the entire activity, focus on the next manageable step.
Breaking challenges into smaller pieces increases the likelihood that
children will engage and follow through (Kazdin, 2017).
B. Stay Connected
Children often borrow confidence from supportive adults.
Your calm presence can make returning feel safer.
Sometimes support looks less like instruction and more like simply staying
nearby.
C. Allow Imperfection
Returning does not need to look perfect.
Children may still feel nervous.
Awkward.
Unsure.
The goal is not perfect participation.
The goal is the willingness to come back - in some form.
Acceptance-based approaches emphasize helping people move toward
meaningful actions even when difficult emotions are present (Hayes & Smith,
2005).
D. Notice Effort
Instead of saying: "You did it perfectly."
Try: "You came back."
Notice the effort.
Notice the willingness.
Notice the return itself.
Those are often the moments that matter most.
Returning Builds Confidence
Many children believe they need to feel confident before they return.
But confidence often develops afterward.
After trying again.
After re-engaging.
After coming back.
A child does not need to feel completely ready before taking a step.
Sometimes readiness grows because of the step.
Not before it.
One Small Step Back Toward What Matters
Steady Steps™ is not about removing discomfort.
It is not about forcing participation.
It is not about eliminating difficult emotions.
It is about helping children discover:
"I can come back."
Even after disappointment.
Even after mistakes.
Even after difficult feelings.
And often that discovery begins with one small step.
Sometimes the bravest thing a child does is not avoiding a hard moment.
Sometimes it is coming back after one.
A Simple Tool for These Moments
These moments can be difficult to navigate in real time.
Because of that, I've created the Steady Steps™ Tool, a simple resource designed to help families slow down difficult moments, notice what is happening, and identify one manageable next step.
For families who want additional support, there is also an expanded version — the Steady Steps™ Tool in Real Life — which includes additional examples and guided pathways for common situations.
The June addition explores a challenge many families face:
"My child doesn't want to go back after a hard moment."
This expanded version is available through the free monthly newsletter. After signing up, you'll receive access in the next monthly issue, along with updates as new sections are added over time.
A Story About Returning
Later this month, I'll also be sharing the first Acceptance Acres Reflection Series™ story, The Return.
Through a gentle story and reflection experience, it explores the same idea found throughout this article:
Coming back after a hard moment is not always easy.
But sometimes one small step is enough to begin.
Continue Exploring the Steady Steps™ Series
Explore the complete collection of Steady Steps™ articles, tools, and resources designed to help children build emotional skills through everyday experiences.
You can find the complete list of blogs in the Steady Steps™ Series here.
References
Dweck, C. S. (2016). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. (2005). Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Kazdin, A. E. (2017). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. Oxford University Press.