🌿Teaching Values to Kids - ACT-inspired Strategies for Real-Life Parenting
- Michael R Kiel
- Nov 8, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Dec 13, 2025
Your child loses a game and whispers, “I’m just not good at anything.”
You reach in with encouragement, “You tried your best. Winning isn’t everything.”
But they roll their eyes. Or insist louder, “No, I’m just bad at everything!”
And suddenly you’re left wondering: “Am I teaching them what really matters? Kindness? Effort? Playing for fun? Losing with grace?”
Here’s a hard truth (and the hopeful one):
Values like kindness, courage, and fairness aren’t learned through lectures, motivational speeches, or perfectly timed lessons.
They’re grown — moment by moment. In how we show up. In the little choices we make — and in how we respond when things don’t go our way.
✨ This blog is about that — teaching values to kids. In other words, helping them live by what matters, not through pressure or perfection, but through connection, modeling, and everyday practice.
🪶 What ACT Says About Values
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values aren’t rules or rewards — they’re chosen ways of being. They’re like compass directions: kindness, curiosity, courage, and fairness. You never “finish” them — you keep moving toward them, even when the path is messy.
Values help kids make choices even when big feelings show up. A child may feel scared, but still choose to be brave. They may feel angry, but still choose to be kind. That’s values in action — not perfection, but direction (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 2012).
🌱 Teaching Values to Kids at Different Ages
Although values are lifelong, the way children learn, experience, and express them evolves as they grow.
👶 Ages 2–4: Values Begin with Imitation
At this age, kids don’t understand “values,” but they copy what they see. For example:
When you say “thank you,” they try.
When you help someone, they notice.
When you kneel and pick up toys beside them, they feel cooperation — not just hear commands.
Research indicates that children initially learn kindness and cooperation through modeling and shared routines, rather than lectures (Dahl, 2018).
👧 Ages 5–9: Naming What Matters
Now, kids can talk about choices and fairness. They start asking: “Why should I share?” “Why does it matter?”
This is the perfect time to help them notice values in everyday actions. For example:
“You helped your friend — that was kindness.”
“You tried again even when it was hard — that’s courage.”
“You told the truth, even though it was scary — that’s honesty.”
Studies show that when kids can name values, they are more likely to practice them (Schonert-Reichl et al., 2015).
📌 This is also where our Values Cards Mini Resource fits beautifully — gentle scenarios to start conversations, not force behaviors.
🧑 Ages 10–14: Values and Identity
Older kids and teens start asking more profound questions: “Who am I?” “What do I stand for?” “What kind of friend do I want to be?”
This is no longer about copying adults — it’s about choosing for themselves.
Try asking:
“Who do you admire? What do they care about?”
“What kind of teammate or friend do you want to be?”
“Even when it’s hard, what kind of person do you want to become?”
Research shows reflection on values increases motivation and emotional resilience in adolescents (Trommsdorff, 2012).
💬 When Parents Aren’t Sure of Their Own Values
Many of us weren’t raised to talk about values — we were raised to follow rules, be polite, or “do the right thing because I said so.”
So when kids ask big questions like:
“Why do we have to be kind?”
“Why does it matter if I help?”
“What’s the point of trying when I’m not good at it?”
…it’s completely normal to freeze and think, “I don’t even know how to answer that.”
But here’s the good news: you don’t need a perfect answer — you just need to stay curious.
✅ What to Do in These Moments
Instead of shutting the question down or rushing to explain, try:
🗨️ “That’s a really good question. I want to think about why kindness matters to me — want to figure it out together?”
🗨️ “I’m not totally sure either, but I know being kind feels important. Let’s talk about it.”
This does two powerful things:
✔ It shows your child that values aren’t rules to memorize — they’re choices we return to.
✔ It teaches them it’s okay to not know yet — and to explore what matters together.
Research shows that when parents explore values with their children — rather than force them — it strengthens connection and lowers conflict (Ciarrochi, Hayes, & Bailey, 2011).
🌟 Conclusion — Living What Matters, One Choice at a Time
Values aren’t about being perfect. They’re about choosing — again and again — what matters most.
Even when feelings are big. Even when our kids roll their eyes. Even when we mess up and need to try again tomorrow.
📥 Try This Next: Free Values Cards for Kids
To make this easier, we created Following What Matters — The Values Cards Mini Resource for kids ages 4–9.
It includes:
✔ Gentle, story-style value prompts
✔ Reflection questions
✔ Parent “whispers” (how to support without pushing)
👉 Download the free Values Cards here.
🛒 And Coming Soon to the Acceptance Acres Store
We’re working on the Expanded Values Pack — with more cards, scenarios for younger and older kids, and creative activities inspired by Vivian the Vulture.
👉 Check the Acres Store to see if it's ready - here.
💌 Reference List
Ciarrochi, J., Hayes, L., & Bailey, A. (2011). Get out of your mind and into your life for teens. Context Press. Publisher page.
Dahl, A. (2018). New beginnings: An interactionist and constructivist approach to early moral development. Human Development, 61(4–5), 232–247. Link.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Publisher page.
Schonert-Reichl, K. A., Oberle, E., Lawlor, M. S., et al. (2015). Enhancing cognitive and social–emotional development through a mindfulness-based school program. Developmental Psychology, 51(1), 52–66. Link.
Trommsdorff, G. (2012). Development of “agentic” regulation in adolescence. Child Development Perspectives, 6(1), 19–24. PDF link.
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