Helping Kids Take the First Small Step (Even When Something Feels Hard)
- Michael R Kiel
- Mar 8
- 4 min read
This article is part of the Steady Steps™ series, a collection of resources designed to help parents support children’s emotional resilience through small everyday actions.
Many parents believe children need to feel confident before they try something difficult.
But confidence rarely comes first.
More often, confidence grows after children take the first step — even while they still feel unsure (Dweck, 2016).
Learning to move forward alongside uncomfortable feelings is one of the most important emotional skills children can develop.
In our previous article, we explored why children sometimes refuse to start tasks when emotions feel overwhelming. This article looks at the next part of that process: how helping children take one small step can begin to shift those moments.
What Parents Often Notice
Parents see many versions of the same moment.
A child might:
Avoid homework
Refuse to try something new
Give up quickly when something feels hard
Say “I can’t” before beginning
Shut down after making a mistake
Some children appear stubborn. Others look discouraged.
Parents may wonder:
“Why won’t they just try?”
Whether it’s homework, sports, social situations, or learning a new skill, the moment of starting can feel especially difficult for children when strong emotions are involved.
From the outside, it may look like a lack of effort.
But inside, the child may simply be feeling overwhelmed.
What’s Actually Happening
Children’s (and adults') brains are wired to avoid discomfort.
When something brings up frustration, embarrassment, self-doubt, or fear of failure, the nervous system often moves toward a protective response.
Avoidance can temporarily reduce anxiety (Hayes & Smith, 2005).
When that relief happens, the brain learns that avoiding the situation helped the uncomfortable feeling go away.
Over time, this pattern can make similar situations feel even more intimidating, because the brain begins to expect discomfort whenever the situation appears again.
Children may begin to believe they must feel confident before they begin.
As stated above, confidence usually grows after action, not before it.
How to Help Kids Try When Something Feels Hard
Instead of pushing children to complete the entire task, parents can help them focus on one small step.
Small steps reduce emotional pressure and give the nervous system space to adjust. Breaking tasks into smaller, manageable pieces also increases the likelihood that children will begin and experience early success (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010; Kazdin, 2017).
For example, instead of saying:
“Finish your homework.”
Try:
“Let’s start with the first question.”
Instead of:
“You need to talk to them.”
Try:
“Maybe you could say hello.”
Instead of focusing on the full challenge, the goal becomes simply beginning.
Once the first step feels manageable, the next step often becomes easier.
A Small Shift for Parents
Sometimes, the most helpful support parents can offer is lowering the pressure around starting.
Helpful phrases might include:
“You don’t have to do the whole thing right now.”
“Let’s just take the first step.”
“We can figure out the next step later.”
These small shifts communicate something important:
Progress happens step by step, not all at once.
Over time, children learn that uncomfortable feelings do not have to stop them from moving forward.
Supportive co-regulation from caregivers helps children build emotional capacity in these moments (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
Why Small Steps Build Confidence
Each time a child takes a small action while experiencing discomfort, they learn something powerful:
They can handle more than they thought.
These repeated experiences gradually build:
confidence
resilience
emotional flexibility
self-trust
Psychological flexibility — the ability to act in the presence of difficult thoughts or feelings — is strongly associated with long-term mental health and adaptive functioning (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).
Courage rarely appears all at once.
More often, it grows through small attempts that slowly expand a child’s sense of what is possible.
The Steady Steps™ Perspective
The following idea sits at the heart of the Steady Steps™ approach.
Children grow emotional confidence not by eliminating difficult feelings, but by learning how to move forward alongside them.
Small actions repeated over time help children develop the emotional skills they will rely on throughout their lives.
Because meaningful growth rarely happens all at once.
It happens one steady step at a time.
Continue Exploring the Steady Steps™ Series
If you're new to the Steady Steps™ approach, you may want to begin here:
Or explore the full series:
Explore the Steady Steps™ Series → here.
📌 Follow Along for More Therapist-Led Support
If you found this helpful, you can follow Mindful Living Resources™ on Instagram for daily, ACT-informed guidance for parents of kids who get stuck in worry, perfectionism, big feelings, or “I can’t” loops.
We share:
therapist reflections from real sessions
nervous-system explanations in parent language
small-step scripts for hard moments
research-informed parenting insights
gentle emotional-skills stories for kids
You can find us on Instagram at @MindfulLivingResources.
References
Dweck, C. S. (2016). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House. Abstract link.
Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life: The new acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications. Book link.
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010).Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Kazdin, A. E. (2017). Parent management training: Treatment for oppositional, aggressive, and antisocial behavior in children and adolescents. Oxford University Press. Link for Book Review here.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011).The whole-brain child. Delacorte Press. Link for Book Review here.
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