Helping Kids Talk About Their Feelings: Making Space for Everyday Conversations
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did anything happen?”
“No.”
Many parents know this conversation well.
We want to know what is happening in our children’s lives. We want to hear about the funny moment at lunch, the confusing interaction with a friend, the thing they’re proud of, or the worry they haven't quite figured out how to explain.
So we ask questions.
Sometimes a more specific or creative question helps.
But helping kids talk about their feelings isn't only about finding the perfect question.
It is also about creating everyday conditions where talking about thoughts, feelings, and experiences becomes available.
The goal isn't to make children talk.
It is to help them learn that talking with us is something they can do.
Helping Kids Talk About Their Feelings
Starts With Connection
Emotional conversations don't have to begin with emotions.
Sometimes they begin with sitting together while a child builds something.
Watching the show they can't stop talking about.
Taking a walk.
Playing a game.
Laughing together about something ridiculous that happened earlier.
Connection doesn't always need an agenda.
In fact, one of the most useful things parents can do may be to show genuine interest in their child's world, even when there isn't a problem to solve.
Research on emotion socialization suggests that parents are part of the environment in which children gradually learn about emotions. A meta-analysis of 24 studies found small positive associations between parents' modeling, responses, and instruction around emotions and young children's developing emotional skills. Importantly, much of that research was correlational, so we shouldn't turn those findings into promises about what any particular parenting behavior will produce (England-Mason & Gonzalez, 2021).
A systematic review focused on middle childhood similarly identified several parts of the family environment associated with children's developing emotion regulation, including parents' emotion-related responses, parents' own regulation, and the family's broader emotional climate. The authors also emphasized that helpful responses can depend on the particular child and context (De Raeymaecker & Dhar, 2022).
In other words, children aren't learning about emotions only when we sit down to teach an emotional skill.
They're learning within relationships.
Make Conversation Part of Ordinary Life
If we only talk about feelings when something has gone wrong, emotional conversation can easily become associated with difficult moments.
The meltdown.
The argument.
The disappointing grade.
The friendship problem.
Those conversations matter.
But a child's emotional world is much bigger than that.
Something can be exciting.
Funny.
Awkward.
Confusing.
Disappointing.
Surprising.
Or simply interesting.
Making room for those conversations gives children opportunities to explore their internal experiences without every conversation carrying the weight of a problem that needs to be solved.
Parents can participate in this, too.
You might occasionally say:
“I was really looking forward to that.”
“I felt a little unsure when I walked in.”
“That surprised me.”
“I was disappointed, but I'm glad I tried.”
This doesn't mean sharing adult worries that children aren't prepared to carry.
It simply means allowing children to see that thoughts and emotions are ordinary parts of being human—and things families can talk about.
Better Questions Can Help—
But They're Not the Whole Answer
Sometimes “How was your day?” is simply too broad.
More specific curiosity can make it easier for a child to know where to begin.
You might try:
“What made you laugh today?”
“Did anything feel different today?”
“What's one part of your day you're still thinking about?”
Or, when your child has already begun telling you something:
“What happened next?”
“What did you notice when that happened?”
But these questions aren't formulas.
A question is an opening—not a tool for extracting a response.
Sometimes your child will answer.
Sometimes they won't.
And sometimes the most useful thing you can communicate is:
You don't have to tell me right now. I'm still here when you want to.
Talk About Things That Actually Happened
One particularly interesting area of research looks at conversations between parents and children about experiences they've already shared or lived through.
Maybe your child was nervous before a birthday party.
Maybe something funny happened on vacation.
Maybe they became frustrated while learning to ride a bike.
Later—when you're no longer in the middle of the experience—you can return to discuss the challenging experience together.
“You really weren't sure you wanted to go into that party at first.”
“And then what happened?”
“You looked so excited when you finally made it down the hill.”
Research on parent-child reminiscing suggests that conversations about children's lived experiences can provide meaningful opportunities to explore emotions. A 2023 review found that more elaborative maternal reminiscing has been associated with stronger emotion understanding and regulation across concurrent and longitudinal studies, while intervention research suggests that this conversational style can also be strengthened through coaching (Fivush & Salmon, 2023).
There is something especially useful about talking about an experience after it has happened.
The child isn't being asked to imagine someone else's experience.
It's theirs.
And they don't necessarily have to understand it while they're still in the middle of it.
Sometimes reflection can come later.
But later doesn't always mean easier. Some experiences can still feel emotionally close long after they've ended, and bringing them up again may lead a child to become upset, quiet, or unwilling to continue. That doesn't necessarily mean the conversation has failed—or that another question will help.
When Your Child Says “I Don't Know”
“I don't know” can be frustrating when we're genuinely trying to understand.
But it can mean many things.
Maybe your child really doesn't know.
Maybe they haven't found the words yet.
Maybe they're tired.
Maybe the question is too broad.
Maybe they don't want to talk about it right now.
We don't necessarily need to figure out which one it is right away.
And we don't always need to follow “I don't know” with five different versions of the same question.
Sometimes we can simply leave the door open.
“That's okay.”
“You can tell me later if you want.”
Then return to ordinary life together.
This can be especially important when we've already tried several ways of helping a child talk. Sometimes continuing to approach the same sensitive topic—even with different questions or strategies—can make the conversation itself begin to feel like something a child wants to avoid.
Keep in mind that the conversation doesn't have to happen on our preferred schedule to be meaningful.
Listen Before You Fix
When children finally tell us what's bothering them, another understandable parental instinct can kick in:
Fix it.
We reassure.
Explain.
Offer a solution.
Point out the bright side.
Tell them what they should do tomorrow.
Sometimes children genuinely want that help.
But sometimes the first thing they need is simply evidence that we heard them.
“That sounds like it really bothered you.”
“You weren't expecting that.”
“I can see why you've been thinking about it.”
Then pause.
We can become curious before deciding what comes next.
Research gives us another reason to resist turning emotional conversation into a formula. In a study of 337 mother-child dyads, different aspects of reminiscing were associated with child outcomes in different ways. Sensitive guidance showed some favorable associations, while simply increasing particular forms of emotional elaboration wasn't uniformly associated with better outcomes (McDonnell et al., 2022).
More emotional conversation isn't automatically better.
Responsiveness matters.
Sometimes listening is enough for now.
Notice How Your Child Communicates
Children don't all communicate in the same way.
One child may tell you everything while sitting across from you at dinner.
Another may suddenly start talking while drawing.
Or walking.
Or building with blocks.
Or riding in the car.
Another may need an hour or a day—or a week—before they want to revisit something.
Rather than assuming there is one best setting for meaningful conversations, notice your child.
When does talking seem to come most naturally?
This isn't a research-backed rule that children should communicate in one particular setting.
It's an invitation to become curious about the child in front of you.
What seems to help this child? Your child?
That individual focus can teach us quite a lot.
Conversation Can Become a
Place to Practice Together
When children gradually become more comfortable sharing their experiences, something else becomes possible.
We can begin exploring those experiences together.
A thought can be noticed.
A feeling can be named.
A parent can learn what helps.
A child can begin discovering what they want to try next time.
But even here, we don't need to turn every conversation into a lesson.
Sometimes a conversation can simply be a conversation.
This belief also shaped how I created Steady Steps™: An Emotional Regulation Workbook for Kids. The activities are designed for children and supportive adults to explore together because sometimes the conversation that develops around an activity matters just as much as completing the activity itself.
The workbook provides structure.
The relationship gives that structure somewhere to live.
Make Talking Available
Helping children communicate isn't about getting the right answer to:
“How was your day?”
It isn't about asking enough questions.
And it isn't about turning every car ride, bedtime, or family dinner into an emotional check-in.
It's about something quieter.
Connection.
Curiosity.
Listening.
Making room for “I don't know.”
Returning to something later.
Noticing when your child naturally begins to share.
And gradually helping them discover:
I can talk about things here.
We can't make children tell us everything.
Nor should that be the goal.
But we can help create relationships where talking about thoughts, feelings, mistakes, funny moments, worries, and ordinary experiences becomes increasingly familiar.
Because the conversations that help children through hard moments often begin long before a hard moment arrives.
Want to Continue This Conversation?
Sometimes making space for conversation is more complicated than simply waiting for the right moment.
A child may still shut down when we return to something later. A sensitive experience may feel just as difficult to talk about after the moment has passed. And sometimes, the harder we try to help a conversation along, the harder it becomes for everyone involved.
In this month's free Mindful Living Resources™ newsletter, I'll continue this discussion by exploring some of those more complicated moments—including how a little distance can sometimes help, why talking about someone else's experience can offer another place to begin, and how brief opportunities for connection can sometimes be more useful than trying to accomplish everything in one conversation.
We'll also explore how parents can begin discovering what helps their child rather than looking for one conversational strategy that works for everyone.
References
De Raeymaecker, K., & Dhar, M. (2022). The influence of parents on emotion regulation in middle childhood: A systematic review. Children, 9(8), 1200. https://doi.org/10.3390/children9081200
England-Mason, G., & Gonzalez, A. (2021). Parents' socialization of preschool-aged children's emotion skills: A meta-analysis using an emotion-focused parenting practices framework. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 55, 377–390. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2021.02.001
Fivush, R., & Salmon, K. (2023). Maternal reminiscing as critical to emotion socialization. Mental Health & Prevention, 30, 200281. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mhp.2023.200281
McDonnell, C. G., Lawson, M., Speidel, R., Fondren, K., & Valentino, K. (2022). The structure of emotion dialogues: Maternal reminiscing factors differentially relate to child language and socio-emotional outcomes. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 50(7), 837–851. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-021-00889-8
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to replace professional therapy, counseling, or medical advice. Always consult a qualified professional for personalized guidance regarding your or your child’s needs.
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